Look at the bottom

When you decide start a blog the last thing you want to do is write about how shitty your life is, you never intend to share with others any kind of pain you feel at any moment, but, sometimes, the blog, as impersonal as it is may be the only way out.

Last night I was talking on the phone with a very good friend of mine, someone whom I carry very close to my heart, but someone whose life has been turned upside down as well by another someone who would never deserve a woman like this friend of mine and we came to a couple of conclusions. Well, we were talking about all of the bad things that end up happening to good people, and how we end up being misinterpreted by others who don’t know us. I try not to be aware of those things, I’m not sure I try to cover it up, or if I just pretend, consciously, that it’s not there. But I have just heard something from someone I love that hit me pretty hard, and it’s how people perceive me by just looking at me. It’s ironic how people who don’t actually know you judge what they see, nobody is interested in getting to really know each other for it is easier to simply judge, it’s like buying a book by its cover. Specially in the work place… who do people at your job really know about you? Nothing! And I know nothing about them, I can’t go around talking nonsense behind their backs because I don’t know! I avoid doing that, I can’t say I like or dislike beets if I have never tasted it. I don’t criticize anything or anyone based on bubbles, or the fact that she/he does look good. He told me people see me as someone who doesn’t know what I want… I just didn’t get that! How come I don’t know what I want? They don’t know what I want, they don’t know me!!!! I loathe this sort of behavior in people, and to make things worse instead of shutting the fuck up these people go around bullshitting their stupid thoughts to other people who simply cannot think for themselves. Really, if people had any idea of what I want… but they don’t. They know so little about me. Do you know what people know about me? That I am beautiful, I dress well, I am polite thus I have a very good work relationship with my colleagues, but that is all!!! No one from my EX freaking job know ANY FUCKING THING ABOUT ME! So, please, STOP BLABBING AROUND WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW!!!  Or the fuck you assume it to be! I don’t go around saying anything about anyone because it does NOT concern me. Please, take care of your own mediocre lives and leave me alone!

And it is what it is. I think I have to thank these people for fucking up my life, for gossiping about me, for putting shit into my ex-boyfriend’s mind, and probably, for having me fired at the end. You go through life and you think you can trust a certain amount of people, I have just found out I can trust five. I have five friends, which is a big number if you consider the great majority of people I know. But I thought I could, at least, rely on some people regarding certain aspects of my life, I mean, professionally. I was lied at at work by my own coordinator, I found out people I thought cared about me didn’t, and now I found out people said shit behind my back who does not correspond to the freaking reality at all… how nicer can it get?

But there is always, as we were talking lat night, something good to come out out of a huge amount of shit… or so we thought. I was telling her that I didn’t believe in Murphy’s law, at least not in its corollary, but today I have to admit the corollary does exist. The phone call happened. I thought that, at least, in the middle of all the puddle of shit, something is going smoother, and I thought to be my love life, which was a nightmare before as well (I just had a job). It’s amazing when you think that would turn into place, it, as well, goes down the drain. I don’t know why I fall for such insecure men. I have to admit I told him a lie in the past, but a white lie, I didn’t mean to hurt, I actually had the best intentions when I wrongly did that. And it turned me into the big bad wolf, I am mean, I have no heart, I’m cold, and I never mean well .. what I say he cannot write, he doesn’t trust me, and I am, probably, everything that is bad in the world. Of course, as he told me on the phone today, I am so beautiful that he prefers to say every single stupid thing one can say to another on the phone for it is hard for him to be close to me and not feel like kissing me.  Coward! I can’t find another word for someone like him. I gotta be the devil! But if I were the devil thins would turn out fine to me, I guess, I would be able to temper with what I want – what I WANT. Not what others think I want, or don’t want, of course.

But, if for one thing, I told him how I felt, and what I thought he was doing, how wrong he was, and how wrong he was in, yet again, listening to his friends’ (who have never seen me!!) bullshitting me, and, of course, following exactly what they told him, for, right now, I don’t believe they simply looked at him and said nothing. I don’t believe in anything, anyone, and I have a reason not to. Another lesson learned, I guess. As a friend of mine just told me, he’s an insecure asshole who is unable to deal with someone like you, thus, he attacks you… it has always been the best defense, right? When you attack someone simply means that you are just trying to defend yourself… but that’d be too much for me to expect him to understand anything of it. And I am sorry for it, really, because I really like him, but I need to love me way more. And I don’t deserve that. I could never tell him I’d go live with him or marry him last week, it was the first day we went out together after two months without seeing or talking to each other …. and this is what he wanted to hear from me, but how? He didn’t tell me that either, of course, that’d be insane. Please, someone draw this concept for me because it’s impossible to understand it this way!!

“Never apologize for saying what you feel. That’s like saying “sorry for being real”. (Joseph Ducreux)”